Sometimes all we need is time. I put the Music My Pet Album on, closed my blinds and started typing. And now I hear what sounds like bombing in the background which I believe is thunder. So far Kismo isn’t going insane. Hopefully he won’t be scared at Your Dog’s Best Friend where he’ll be for the weekend. Going Skiing this weekend on a supposedly hot weekend, but called Ski Liberty this weekend and they guaranteed it’ll be fine especially for beginners.
So today I had the mind set of releasing myself from my trainer. I said I was going to verbalize that I won’t be renewing for the new year. I didn’t exactly fail at the proposed action, however I just didn’t mention it all because of my few sessions I had left. I told myself this morning that if I don’t proactively create my own workouts and do it on my time consistently I won’t be able to create a routine and test my stamina on actually wanting to workout regularly.
I also invited coworkers to start a running clinic with them. So I’m gonna go over the few tips I learned on my running classes….say in 2005 and try to regurgitate them with the few things I’ve learned these recent past two years.
I was at lunch listening to coworkers talk about weight watchers, and I just thought to myself, I really need to start working on my diet. As people emerge into the nurse’s lounge with salads, small portions and water, or talk about strange peculiar foreign diets like the Korean coffee diet, I realize I’m over 30 and things are going to start to change in terms of eating. I love food but it manages to make me feel emotionally bad when I eat it and I know that I’m full.
I listened to a coworker talk about how she smokes and its the only thing that keeps her weight down. Granted she is a twig, but she eats well, very well and she sweaers on spanx. The weight watchers people seems to have a routine that they MUST stick to in order to see results, but weight watchers is a very common thing I hear all the time. Not that I have any reason to start that but it was interesting listening to people about it.
Having my own space now is a dream :) I L-O-V-E it. I discovered this website called ZIPLIST.COM which is awesome because you can find recipes online on ziplist and then itll transfer into a grocery list to go shopping with on your smart phone. I did that with a couple things Ive made and its pretty simple. I set up my IPAD in the kitchen and pull up the recipe and cook away or you can just print it out. Pretty awesome.
Max bought me this cute little bracelet for Christmas which he obviously knows me well enough to know that I’d love this. Its called JAWBONE. Its a pedometer, sleep meter, food journal, alarm and other things all in one and it connects to an app on your phone. Also when you want to add food, it has a barscanner so you can scan whatever package youre eating and it’ll search it and you can add calories and intake that way without having to figure things out on your own. Kinda awesome.
Organization is key in routine. Cleanliness is next to Godliness hehe I say that because I want to keep a clean home especially with an animal in the house. Yes Kismo I’m talking about you.
Budgeting even more know. I feel kinda some weight lifted, especially when your choices are cut down. I bought an antenna instead of cable and at least I have channel 4. Alright peace out till next update!
After much thought and solitude I think God has revealed a number of things to me that have either caused resistance or rebelliousness against Him or myself or my situation.
You know that hard headed kid that just won’t listen? I’m that kid. I’m that kid that holds all this pride in order to protect myself from being vulnerable. While at the same time keeping in that pride or anger caring about whatever every person thinks to not lose that pride. The pride that holds us together. The pride that lies to you and says your “together.” You’ll get through this if you just stay strong.
What I love about being Christian is that it always throws you off for a loop. Either I hate the fact or embrace it. God is a God of mystery but He also doesn’t deny us His wisdom. His wisdom is so different of this world it’s something the world cannot even fathom.
God has been teaching me so much, but sometimes we as Christians don’t want to listen. It’s like “nope don’t want to hear it God, those people are wrong, they hurt me, that’s not right, me me me.” But having this identity instead of Christ’s only leads to more spiritual warfare and frustration.
There was a time when God was just right next door or right on my doorstep. I called, He answered. But that feeling diminishes when we rise and God ultimately falls.
I am a mess. I’ve been a mess for years. It bites you in the behind and it leads you to all the wrong places.
People have consistently said to me carve out a time, carve out a time to spend with God, the one that knows you the most. Nope can’t do it. It’s too early, what good will that do. I’ll do it Lord but I’ll do it on my own time. But that time has slowly never materialized. Maybe here and there but not on a consistent basis.
I’ve been telling God that I’m ready, that I’m ready for whatever He has in store for me. I’m ready for everything and anything. Use me Lord. But am I ready? Am I emotionally ready for what God has in store for me.
Clearly with yet another relationship broken and that constant realization that I can’t do this on my own in my own way and believe that it could work and use God whenever I see fit. I can’t control God. God needs to control me.
In my job it has been evident He is working. I know He is, but I’ve hated what I’ve seen. I admit I hate God’s hand in my institution of work. But I’ve prayed for that many times. The majority of people left my job because they couldn’t handle the change or the change isn’t where they saw themselves in the future. Kudos to that. I think everyone should have their own opinion and come to realization where they really want in their life. But change nonetheless is imperative to move forward. Either it be a change in job or a change in how things are done. If you don’t like things are we have to change the way we do things or change our situation.
Moving to DC and out of New York and taking a 30,000 dollar cut in my paycheck has brought me to a point in my life where God has taken several things in my life where I could easily get caught up in and wrap my identity in. Comfort, attaching myself to other people’s opinions, facebook, selfish goals that have no real end other than myself me me me.
When I see successful people at church. Sometimes I say, God how can you bless one person and totally ruin someone else’s life. I’ve sought after God for months and I’ve come to realize He has been romancing me back into spiritual reality. He is stretching me stretching me further in order to mold me into someone better. Thank you Jesus. Although it’s hurt every step of the way He cannot change me unless He squashes me in order for Him to rise. Change is imminent but how long that change takes may be a combination of how much I want to change. “I asked God for strength that I might achieve, I was made weak that I might learn to obey.” At our church there’s an altar call for prayer. Sometimes there are moments where I say “I don’t want to go up there and people think I have so many problems.” But when I do it’s always transforming. Last Sunday I almost ran up there without a clue as to what I wanted to be prayed for. I just said I want to let it go to give it up because I can’t do this anymore. Trying….I’m done. Take it Lord I don’t want it because I can’t do this alone. I just cried the entire prayer. Lord knows I have no idea what the girl prayed about for me. But sometimes we hold so much to keep ourselves together it gets toxic and needs to be released.
I am in a season in my life, where you can say one thing about hurt and I will cry for days. I can either hate God for it or embrace the fact that He loves me and is trying to do the best for me. When my relationship ended God brought so many people back into my life and I can either take it as a blessing and accept it or fight it and say I dont need anyone but myself. But I know that’s not true. The devil is always waiting. He wants to win, but God has already won for me and I pray God reveals to me the victory in my season. I can hang my head in shame or I can lift my head in glory.
I wish this weather was year round. Fall is quickly approaching and I might say is already here. I love the smells and everyone else blogging the same things talking about Pumpkin Spice Lattes and cider and such that is Fall. When the harshness of summer comes to a close and the coolness of Fall settles in like a warm cup of cocoa.
Yesterday I rode on the Mount Vernon Trail for 12 miles on my trusty Trek. It was quite wonderful practicing changing my gears and being indecisive about using my clips or not. I loved the challenge of the small but decent hills and the fact that you’re only supposed to go 15 miles an hour on your bike on this trail. And also hoping everyone understands “ON YOUR LEFT” when you yell to the oncoming runners. That reminds me I need a bell for my bike. I loved passing by this trail along the potomac watching people rest on the way with there portable chairs situating themselves by the river and reading or reflecting over the water. It’s calming until you get closer to the swampy areas of the trail and battle the mosquitoes wanting to go into your mouth. Ick! Protein says my trainer!
Going through yet another breakup only drags you down a little more than where I already was. It’s picking up the pieces of what’s left of me. Sounds like that song. I’m not that cheesy. However, being in that phase where songs that I sang to before on the radio now have meaning. “Love Just Ain’t Enough” “what hurts the most was being so close, and having so much to say and watching you walk away,” “dont leave me hungry for love but what about us,”….Compromise is necessary but when one person is unwilling love suddenly drops off the table.
I was told today that more women know themselves better than men nowadays and it seems I’ve come upon that more often as well. However with myself it seems not true, but I think I do know somewhat what I want, just battling the voices of everyone else’s opinions can be hard when you aren’t firm in what you are and what you believe.
14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:14-15
I was delighted knowing several people have commented on my perceived old lady shoe that wasn’t quite cheap so you know, but allows me to walk around with my foot problems. This lady at CVS made a comment on how my polish even matched my shoes. I thought that was nice. My new Christian counselor also made a comment on them. I’m guessing however older ladies are attracted to my shoe. However Mariam liked my shoe and she’s not an old lady, however I do remember a moment in time when Robin and Mariam were having a conversation and Robin commented “with your old lady shoes.”
I am trying to be hopeful in this time. I love Max very much and I wish things were different. One of my church friends told me to write my fears down. I did fear getting back on my bike which Ive accomplished and enjoyed. But what I would like to do with biking is do a bike a ride and then take one of those capital share bikes from union station and ride to Bloomindale and have a coffee at Big Bear Cafe. I love the area because it reminds me of New York. Im speaking again to my real estate agent and told him specifically down to a T what I wanted in an investment. I know I want this drafting table from World Market. It’s $300 bucks but I totally want it for sewing. It’s very beautiful and an idea piece. I want to feel planted. Everyone keeps telling me to rent and I so do not want to. That decision may hurt me in the end. But I think I need to make my own mistakes and just LIVE.
If God wrapped everyone each the same and marked them with the same ingredients life would be pretty boring. I think what I’ve been searching for was an answer was a majority answer and the only answer. But how would one’s relationship with God be different if each one had the same formula. Each person’s walk with Christ is different. Each person’s journey is different. Finding peace with your own uniqueness and beauty is somewhat terrifying when you’re always searching for affirmation. What I’ve learned today is my opinion is my opinion and no matter how irrelevant it could be, if it is wrapped in love and not hate it doesn’t matter what the opinion is.
What I’ve learned today is passion. I was told by my co-worker she turned her ex husband’s shoes in a direction where he could slip his foot in and walk out the door for work. She ironed his clothes every morning and set them out. She woke up at 4AM to make bacon and cheese sandwiches because he liked him. But she said that wasn’t the reason they got a divorce, she was fine with doing those things because she loved him. She told me there must be “passion” she says in her obvious accent. There must be some common ground.
The only scripture that keeps popping up for me is 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient Love is kind… etc etc. There’s nothing harsh about it. “In humility consider OTHERS better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2; 3-4 When we’re always grabbing for own needs we forget the needs of others. We become consumed in our self righteousness and forget that God loves everyone.
“As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” Isaiah 62:5 This scripture reminded me of the wedding I went to. How my friend’s now husband loves her sooo much and to feel that love is overwhelmingly beautiful.
Yesterday I had a moment where the songs that I sing in the car I actually understood and felt what it meant. I felt like my blinders were taken off and I felt like I could hear Him again. It’s a still small voice but it is present and ever near.
It’s been quite evident that God has been speaking to me these past few weeks or even months. He speaks to me in pain, physical pain that is. After a terrible run through of stomach flu, dehydration and multiple feet issues it takes a toll on the mind and offsets that direction of peace. I haven’t quite understood that peace just yet, but I’m working towards it. I usually write when I’ve discovered something or have an epiphany or breakthrough, but this entry is all about where I am now.
**the picture is my new shoes. Not as cute as regular ones but they are quite comfortable. Kudos Comfort One in making my pain less with every step.
Work, has always been a battle. It still is. My career my chosen path of life that I’ve hoped to tear myself away from…nursing. I have a spiritual mentor who I often take for granted, because certain days I think she’s the crazy religious lady that could never understand me. Today was unusual. I walked out of my car and locked the door forgetting the key in the ignition and the car was still on. I was always afraid that would happen but fortunately I did have AAA. I was supposed to meet with my mentor today but apparently she forgot and thought I hadn’t actually confirmed when I said yes. She wasn’t at home. SO I was stuck outside her house getting mosquito bitten and hot and impatient with my key stuck in my car. AAA takes a LONG ass time. I was hoping I could get this done and just get the hell out of there before she came. However that didn’t happen. But afterwards, I thought to myself what am I fearing?
What I fear most is that I can’t hear God as clearly as I did before, so I don’t trust any form of advice or counsel because everything is so difficult to discern. I’ve been through so many physical disappointments, it’s frustrating and can be depressing. Here’s this old lady telling me I have freedom and victory in my life and I feel like a total shit bag. But I’m glad I stayed. I’m glad to have someone pray over me. She’s basically witnessed to half of the people at my work, and she went through telling me about people really understanding Christ through these CD’s she practically throws at people. I’m so terrible I’ve listened to maybe 2. But when I think about the people that have remained at my job, I stop and think, maybe this is hand of God. The people left are the people that WANT to be there that WANT to work hard that WANT to do this. I however I sit there and contemplate why am I left? But being around these people that really are Type A and actually caring about their patients, made me re-think about how I do my job.
It doesn’t get rid of the fact that I still want to pursue creative outlets, but it made me think I didn’t have to be so negative when it came to working at my job. It’s annoying that I’m always scheduled to work on Sundays. It’s annoying to have a manager that cares about little insignificant things as opposed to the important ones, but I won’t deny that the floor has improved somewhat. It doesn’t make working there more comfortable but I am learning. And of course that was my goal coming in to this job. I am a bit lazy but I do try to always do what’s “fit.”
God has a plan for me, I don’t know what it is, but at least today I do have some hope that it is as Miss Okie’s says..”it’s not something just good, it’s something great and bigger than me.”
What I’ve been reminded of is that when we don’t feel LOVE it is ten times more difficult to share that love. Everyone deserves it because everyone needs it. I just want to remind you that you are loved and sharing a smile or listening to someone makes them know they are important because God says they are.
1If I speak in the tonguesa of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,b but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I’ve learned that the saying salty foods can give you nightmares is actually true. I came back from Robin’s destination birthday New Orleans and bought Slap Ya Mama Cajun Seasoning and considering cooking isn’t on the top of my list when I get home from a 12-13 hr shift, this delightful seasoning I’ve put “that sh@# on everything,” and maybe processed deli meat and salty cajun seasoning and processed guacamole and processed cheese wasn’t the best dinner. I had the worst nightmare about ticks and it was horrible, I woke up thinking it was real. Never again.
Anyways, my theme for this entry was perspectives. Today I had a light load at work which is the unusual and the day before wasn’t so bad either but I watched an excellent nurse go through burnt out in 8 hrs venting about work, how they screw you over, and his teenage son screwing him over. I felt so bad and I felt like this isn’t James. The morning he spent complaining about work canceling him on his holiday time where he needed that money and in the end still having him work the overtime shift he signed for because he needed the money but not getting paid what he thought was going to get paid. James is a 46 year old African American who has a steel exterior. I admire him so so much. He always talks about bringing up his son to be a great educated African American male and he gets so disappointed when he feels like he fails as a parent. He’s making ends meet with the final goal to move back to New York to go back to Nurse Anesthesia school but saving in the meantime. He dutiful puts away 1600 dollars a month in order to help pay his school later. He has schooled me several times on the importance of saving money.
Yesterday was the boiling point, his son forgot his key and left the front door open. James has a 25,000 coin collection that he’s collected for years in that house. He’s already pissed about the cancellations at work and the heavy loads we’ve had in the past couple weeks. Midpoint of shift they tell him he’s getting a third patient. I knew at that point he was done. He’s worrying about his kid getting into mischief, his house being robbed, not making enough to pay bills because the hospital is such a “we’ll make the higher up decisions to cut costs everywhere at all costs, without really asking your opinion even if it means screwing your employers” job…”Well it seems like they can handle three patients in the ICU…do we need to spend money to get more nurses they seem to be doing just fine.” Ridiculous.
Let me tell you more about James (which is not his real name by the way). He is a man of steel. He told me when he was working as an IV nurse in 2001 on the weekend and mind you he’s only certified to put in peripheral IV’s, a doctor comes up to him and says I need a central line in this patient, do that for this patient. James is explaining to him that its the weekend and PICC central lines aren’t placed at that time and he’s not certified to do it. This doctor told him “stupid black mother fucker,” to his face and called him worthless. This happened twice in his years of nursing. James, this strong black man, ….he told me he cried , but not in front of anyone but hidden. So many people witnessed this and did nothing. He was told by several other people to write him up because he had no right….and James thought this was going to be pointless but he did it anyway, did all the paperwork, wrote down exactly what happened detail by detail, and this doctor is still working on our unit. He comes up on the floor and pretends like nothing happened 12 yrs ago and goes “Hey James how you doing,” and James smiles and nods and that’s all he can give.
James has drunk kerosene at 3 yrs old, bitten by dog at 4 yrs old and yet James is an excellent worker. He’s kind and generous.
That day he hit boiling point, he left that day early. One of the other nurses complained to me, “oh he left everything a mess, this patient is NOT fine,” and I said to her “I don’t think he was mentally here,” and she goes “well that doesn’t necessarily leave him the right to let this poor lady alone like this.”
I get her perspective but that lady was fine today, but James was much better today having that time off to cool down. He apologized to me and other people although I didnt need an apology that he was not himself yesterday. I TOTALLY GET IT.
LOVE YOU JAMES.
A little over a month as passed since my regular blogging. I admit after discovering the unfortunate truth that I cannot physically run because of my feet, it just became a battle of little motivation to get up and do something consistently. It’s easier to get up and run as opposed to creating a work out. In essence, I am still “lazyfit girl” because sliding back into comfort is so incredibly easy.
Yesterday I did a fitness assessment at the gym which gave me motivation to get back into a routine. My body age is 26, which really isn’t much different than my 30 years, but granted at least its lower. The gym’s director measured strength and flexibility and goals in terms how you eat and what your physical capabilities are. The heart rate monitor was being bitch and didn’t really work that well, but otherwise it was good. He gave me suggestions on different workouts to compensate for cardiovascular running, like the row weights which use upper body and lower body, jacob’s ladder which is practically like stairs with resistance, and of course your elliptical, or even just a circuit workout keeping your heart rate up. It was pretty simple, not anything complicated but I had been processing a while that I’ve gone completely off the radar of fitness but yesterday completely shut that negative thought down.
Mentally it’s a battle to stay focused on being physically in tune with your body. I am notorious for letting one negative thought break me in more ways than one. If any advice I’d give in learning a particular lesson, it is being in a good place mentally spares you the agony of trying to accomplish something in a state of chaos. Ask yourself a few questions…
1. Am I enjoying this journey?
2. Am I going at this alone?
3. What am I thankful for?
4. Am I giving myself rewards for accomplishing little goals?
5. What is my goal? Is it feasible? Is it realistic?
At work I encountered a 39 year old woman, who regularly goes to the gym, and started feeling severe chest pain which she had ignored for a couple days. It wasn’t until she couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs and her husband coaxing her into checking into the hospital. We as health providers, even had doubt saying…”what is she doing here? it’s nothing maybe pleuritic pain, she’s too young” and learning that she had some vessel disease or heart disease was a bit shocking knowing her routine.
Learning this as well, made me less obsessive over little failures that I haven’t done because of the greater fact that I’ve accomplished a triathlon, I go to the gym as least once a week, I walk my dog everyday, and eating badly has always been in good company. I love food and you can’t deny what you you love. Creating solutions to combine what you love into your goals is easier when you’re mentally focused.
Listen to your body. If you’re full you’re full. Listen to what you already know. Fruits and Veggies. Although my parents eat pretty poorly at times, they keep fruit everywhere!
Lastly I would inject the fact that strength training is uber uber important. I work in a field where so many of us nurses’ backs have given out. Strength and body mechanics are important. You think athletes ACL injuries are due to impact with other athletes? The majority of the time it’s because of areas that are not strong. Places you haven’t tried working out. Moving in direction you haven’t already moved. This paragraph is meant to be metaphoric by the way. Try something new, if what you’re doing isn’t working.